a-big-cipher

2010-06-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

From the movie, "The pursuit of Happ"y"ness".

Its an I in "Happiness".
There is no Y in "Happiness.

This is part of my Life story.

This part is called "Riding the bus".

I still remembered that moment.

They all looked so damned happy to me.
Why could'nt I look like that?

That my be happiness is something that we can only pursue.
And may be we can actually never have it, no matter what.

Dont ever let somebody tell you, you cant do something.
Not even me.

You got a dream.....you gotto protect it.
People cant do something themselves...they wanna tell you, you cant do it...

If you want something...go and get it...period

Feeling underrated and unappreciated...

I had to do it in 6 hours, what they do it in nine.
In order not to waste any time, I was'nt hanging up the phone in between calls.
I realised that by not hanging up the phone , I gained another 8 mins a day.
I was'nt drinking any water..so I did'nt waste any time in the bath room.

The next day after work, we just went to the beach.
Just Chris and me.

Far away from buses, noise and a constant dissappointment in my ten-gallon head...and myself.
Because, when I was young and I'd get an A on a history test or whatever, I'd get this good feeling about all the things that I could be and then I never became any of them.

This part of my life..
This little part...
is called "Happiness"

2009-12-31T10:32:00.000-08:00

I am here again....alone on the bay...
Sitting in front of the computer..listening to enigma's "Sleep"...

"I can summarize everything I have learned about Life in three words: IT GOES ON!" (Dr.Leo Buscaglia)

"All that I love loses half its pleasure if you are not there to share it." - Clara Ortega

"A million words would not bring you back, I know because I've tried, neither would a million tears, I know I've cried."

Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I dont have.

Life doesn't hurt until you have time to yourself to think about how things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault.

I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't.

Sometimes the memories hurt more than the pain.

There's always that one special person that no matter what they do to you, you just cant let them go.

The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off with out you, a part of me just won't let go.

I know I ve been selfish....Don't hate me. Don't regret me. Don't even forget me.

2009-12-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

If I had to live my life without you near me
Days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever wrote oh so clearly
Might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

My dreams are young we both know
To take us to where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s gonna to change my love for you
You already know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of, I’ll never ask for more than your love
Nothing’s gonna to change my love for you
You already know by now how much I love you
The one that changed my whole life through
But nothing’s going to change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy
Love will lead the way for once
Like a guiding star
I’ll be there for you if you should need me
You don’t have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are

Come with me and share the view
I’ll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s going to change my love for you
You already know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of, I’ll never ask for more than your love

Nothing’s going to change my love for you
You already know by now how much I love you
The one that changed my whole life through
But nothing’s going to change my love for you

Nothing’s going to change my love for you
You already know by now how much I love you
The one that changed my whole life through
But nothing’s going to change my love for you

2009-02-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

I have a serious Bass addiction...

The range of human hearing is approximately 16Hz to 20kHz. 16Hz is approximately the lowest note a pipe organ will produce. Sub-16 Hz bass is good too, but you feel it rather than hear it. Generally speaking, most floor standing loudspeakers will reproduce from the upper 30 Hz range up to the audible limit. Bookshelf speakers will not plumb as deep, perhap only going as low as 50 Hz, depending on the loudspeaker. If you want explosions to sound like your room is coming apart, if you want to feel the action onscreen, if you want ultra low bass to slam you in the chest, we need a sub that is flat down to around 20Hz.

2009-01-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

Well,
I am seriously thinking of taking a break....

Stop all these non-sense stuffs and start few things new...

weighing the pros and cons...and of course consistency.

2008-12-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes pain flows from within us,
as though a grief a mother would feel,
at the passing away of her unborn child,
a child whom she has not seen, touched or cuddled.
But, only felt as a presence within her;
a part of her.

----------by Ra.

2008-12-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

and I cried now..

after a long time

for no reasons..

2008-11-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Word web says.....

Noun: Cipher is

1. A message written in a secret code
2. A mathematical element that when added to another number yields the same number
3. A quantity of no importance
4. A person of no influence
5. A secret method of writing

Not sure, why I choose this?

2008-11-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Being Single, but not alone...
I am trying to like the life in this way...
thinking of all the positives...

2008-08-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am here because...
I dont know where to go.........

2008-08-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

Pain is part of the past.

There isn't one of us who doesn't carry childhood wounds.
No matter how painful your young memories are, there were also glorious moments that kept you alive, or you would not be here today.

by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

2008-07-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

Inside of me ...

There's another world inside of me That you may never see There're secrets in this life That I can't hide Somewhere in this darkness There's a light that I can't find Maybe it's too far away... Or maybe I'm just blind...

2008-07-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

6.00 pm. is that an odd time.
Dont know wat has happened to me.
dont know wat iam thinking right now.
Am I thinking anything...i wonder
Not normal, is wat i know abt me right now
Fear!!!
Am i scared???
my head is paining....feeling feverish
thoughts are in zig zag motion
Feeling terribly lonely
one reason might be the discussion we had on friday
I could stay alone was my propoganda..
I am thinking if iam wrong
Man..wat is that i want out of this life????
I wanted to go upstairs, and breath fresh air
oneside of me says....may be because i may sleep...why not sleep?
Its not the right time sleep!!
one thing iam doing good now is listening to Enigma
"turn off the light, take a deep breadth, relax"

something is sucking from within, dont know wat it is....but its powerful...its trying to spread its tentacles on me...iam struggling hard to defend..iam partly successful.....
.
.
.
.
this post doesnt have an end now...............

"basic instinct, social life, paradoxes, side by side"
"Open your hearts & push the limits"
push the limits

2008-06-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

A couple of days back, for some reasons I was feeling very low. I was on my way to office. In between hundreds of passing by vehicles, the words written on the back side of a truck caught my attention. It said,

"ITHUVUM KADANTHU POGUM.
IVVULAGIL INBAM, THUNBAM ETHUVUM NIRANTHARAM ILLAI".

Thats what I call "driven by almighty".

Thank you God, once again.

2008-05-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hi world,

I am connected.....Hurrrrrayyyyyy

:-)

2007-12-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

so far, its going somewhat well....
i am balancing myself without seeking an alternate...till this moment....
....:-)
I am happy about that....

I take this time to refine myself....all i need at this moment is this...
the re-defined, refined mind.....

with all the sweet memories buried deep inside....

I dont know if iam trying to control the ripples or adjusting myself to live with them...
whatever...
I AM TRYING......

2007-12-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

LOVE is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with.

I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well.

I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.

I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life.

MISSING U MORE AND MORE EACH DAY...

2007-12-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

Missing someone,

When all is said and done,
you are part of me.
That's the way it was meant to be.
People are brought together for a reason,
everything happens for a reason.
I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another.
We fill in each other's missing spots with love.
And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I
trust that there is a reason.
Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.

2007-12-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

When I see you this thought comes to my mind
Life is sunshine wherein you are the provider of thick shadow [symbolising that u r there to protect me against all that is evil]
Today again my heart raised a desire
Today once again I had to convince my heart

2007-12-26T07:32:00.000-08:00

Stay Centered
In the battles of life, you will take punches.
Some may hurt. This too will pass.
You are the center of your universe. Take care of your own needs first. Then go to your family, then to friends, neighbors and employees. Move on to the larger communities. Don't use saving the world as an excuse to forget your family.

Don't allow others to rush or pressure you to act before you can decide what is right. The most important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Stand with your knees slightly bent. Head up. Breathe deeply from your belly.
You are a very small part of the grand scheme of things.
You are one with the universe.
You are everything and nothing.
Remain calm, balanced and aware.

2007-12-26T07:27:00.000-08:00

The reflection

The reflection of the face staring back at me,
is a stranger,
one I wished I had never seen;

the eyeslook sad,
filled with sorrow and pain;

puddles of rain,
cheekstear-stained,
looking beyond the black circle's inside the iris's,
I see the picture so clear,
a void of dark shadow's - "love once lived here"
the space is empty,
old memories strolled on the floor like trash,
worthless treasures of the forgotten past - dust covered wishes,
lay in the corners of a once peaceful mind,
though it seemed the wind howls,
as if in pain,
is this my mind ? Inside of my brain?
Iwalk the rooms and halls in search to find a piece of happiness back intime,
- still alive,
but all hope is gone,
this is what you left that was wrong;

inside the mirror
I crawled one last time to look inside of my head
I was once alive "you killed me",
now I am dead -inside the mirror,
inside of my head
I lay down a love that’s gone,
that’s dead -

by Unknown.....

2007-12-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

What makes life so interesting is the glorious uncertainty of it all. The fascinating thing about life is that your fortunes can change overnight. So, if you are going through a period when nothing seems to go right, endure it. Do not take unnecessary risks. Everything might seem dark at the moment but so is the world just before it is the dawn of a glorious day. May God always be with you and guide you with his constant presence.

2007-11-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

Here I am,

This is me....

Sitting in my workplace, looking at the monitor, headset playing the "Sahana" song,
Sipping a cup of tea,

wondering as to what i have done in all these years........

Huh.....

anyways, happy birthday to me......May god bless me.....

like always, let my path shall be guided by the almighty.....

peace.....let the world shall live in peace.....

cheers....:-))

2007-10-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

"Our lives have taken us on different roads.....
Let's jus' hope our roads cross one day.......
Till then do keep in touch always!"

When i was alone in this world, u were there
when my life was tough, u were there
Iam missing u terribly my dear "wilson"

I know that "We have promises to keep..and miles to go before we sleep...and miles to go before we sleep..."

You may be out of my reach...but not out of my mind...iam missing u....

2007-10-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

i still wonder as to why you came into my life..ive already had enough before your entry...i still remember,me being very cautious..thats because of the lesson ive learnt...i was not in need of you earlier..i was already living a comfortable life without you...i still wonder as to why you came into my life...u know what...iam experiencing sleepless nights, which ive never experienced earlier, never...i cant believe that i was able to sleep only for two hours yesterday..why?..its a battle inside...i dont know who is going to win... this pain is suffocating...the decision to depart was wise and practical...but, facing it is very difficult...iam trying hard to, not to hate you......you are now like a ball in my throat....i do believe in the time machine..i hope the passage of time shall change everything...crossing this phase...iam pulling all my energy to bring something positive out of this phase....Deep from my heart, i wish you all the best for a peaceful life...good luck dear..

2007-10-11T12:49:00.000-07:00

Optimism & Pessimism...is that a way of life...differs from person to person...in that way i ignore people tagging me a pessimist...who cares...
mmm...until last week i was in peace...
New job..new environment..new people...learning new things...good...a brand new day..everyday...except for one thing...again "new people phobia"..i know i suffer due to this...i take hell a lot of time to mix with new people..the only consoling fact is that i finally end up finding few very good friends...i do not know if i will achieve that here...even if iam not,,iam still happy with the friends ive already got...wat else i need...
this week...mind is like a junction...different tracks...one over the other...not clear which one to take...and so iam trying to stop my engine somewhere till i get a clarity...the job sucks because of one person's attitude..he is trying to show he is a good teacher..honestly he is not..its just another way of showing off...its also called as "bhajanai"..he is good in doing that...it was really tough, yesterday..at one point of time i felt iam going to loose my patience...but thank god, i managed not to...i hope things will become ok on the days to come....
the second thing is about the old relationship...its difficult to explain what iam feeling right now...my thoughts are jumping between two extremes...& its very difficult to come out...i expect a call every second..i want to speak..iam angry that iam never getting that call...(the expectations that iam expected to expect in a relationship)... iam trying to tell myself that this is how this has to end...after so much of waiting, i called...but no response...iam trying to tell these things again & again to my mind...after so much of waiting, i get a call...i speak for a very short time and the line got disconnected...my mobile rings again,,,but i do not want to pick the call...i expect that the same pain ive undergone, shud be felt by the other person too...but i also think why it should happen...after so much of ringing, my phone is in rest now, i tell myself that this has to end....but the fate is that this is not coming to an end...and ultimately my mind is restless...i have learnt this lesson already...and i have been very cautious in the beginning...but still things dragged me into it, things got clarified, things got confused again, and now its moving towards the end..and iam undergoing it again..its paining sometimes..more to learn from life i suppose...

2007-09-07T03:12:00.000-07:00

what am I searching for?

Well...iam searching for the one which would really interests me a lott...which would make me busy...

2007-08-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much my dear GOD.....thanks

2007-08-02T00:48:00.000-07:00

SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS

I am God.
Today I will be handling all of your problems.

Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in my time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them.
....
....

2007-07-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

almost for 10 days...i could feel that the people around me are suffering....the reason is...iam blabbering, rattling, ranting, what not?.....thats basically due to the eccentric thoughts inside me...iam being very careful in using the word "eccentric"...because it may sound odd....is this word related to psycho...thats what my uncle said on the other day...but i feel every human being is eccentric in someway or the other....sometimes....and so iam...iam trying to figure out the reason for this...partly succeded.....the reason is "ripples"....they are widening and they never rest..they are CONTINUOS....non-stop.....iam pulling all that inside me to bring back peace.....not able to...may be due to things thats happening around me....iam not the reason for the ripples...its somebody else throwing stones...my defending failed..after all iam yet another human being...(ordinary person with ordinary thoughts and emotions)...."hope" is the tonic which iam taking right now...it reacts for sometime....i could see that iam loosing control....but helpless....
iam searching for the one which will bring back PEACE......
iam trying to accept me as what iam and not as what i dream to be....an ordinary person and not a superman...
iam trying to accept the fact that people who are really close will leave us one day....nothing stays.....
all the building will collapse one day
iam trying to make me realise that "life is still beautiful"...and its better...may be not the best in the world...but its still better
iam trying to smile inspite of these .....
life is all about balancing...everybody does it and so me...

2007-07-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

Atlast...reached a stage in my life where its "Me Vs My life" (copyright @ a fellow blogger)........
things are happening...something somewhere somehow says in someway that this is the time to take risks....huv much iam prepared...i really do not know....the thoughts are really eccentric...they go up and suddenly come down...never stay in-between...

1. career -
offer on hand
the current job is comfortable because
the BEST bosses
very pleasant and friendly environment
zero pressure
freedom to do things
i can be what iam...need not prove me
(i would say more comfortable except for the below mentioned reasons)
staying alone
missing parents/friends/more than everything my sis
expenses
career growth
traveling to & fro every weekend (it is having its own effect on health)
what this offer promises
career growth
back to home
financial comfort
what iam afraid of
all the above comforts iam enjoying currently.

2. Land
time to do it
but
cant completely rely on the persons involved
Vitamin M
financial commitments after that

3. For Me
getting clarity
clarity
practical thinking
not possible
saying good bye soon
iam suffering
bondage...very hard to break
more attached on these lonely days
very hard to accept or digest
unable to accept the fact that iam reaching the end of the road with this relationship
but still.....
as i said earlier....thats huv things are happening...i have nothing to do except to sit and watch...risks involved....but the results are not in my hands.....driven by what and whom...god only knows....May God bless me...please............thanks

2007-06-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish, and having ulterior motives;
:
Be kind anyway....

2007-06-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

It was a terrific yesterday....
there are very many things happening in my life offlate.
Each one of these are important and might twist my life altogether..
all are in most of the cases unique (not connected) and in some cases connected in depth
relationships - blood related, distant
friendships - emotionally bound, casual
abt me - my character & attitude - inside and outside
career - to move or not to
;
;
Early in the morning, had a very bad dream...i could remember a glimpse of it..as usual it was a discussion/bashing session with uncles....later my roommates told me that i was shouting on top of my voice while asleep....using almost all the bad lwords in english & tamil..
.
.
today brought some clarity on the "emotionally bound friendships"... conversation which lasted hours together....finally....it concluded in a way that i am going to be all alone...why it came and why it is leaving?? honestly i dont know...people need me and they dont need me too..its very difficult to gauge anything frankly...life's beautiful sometimes....its a stage and iam performing...it started and so naturally it is proceeding towards the end...iam praying to god not to start it again...
.
.
.
Am I selfish? thats the question inside me which could have triggered the bad dream
...knowing me...its tough without a mentor...do i have to be happy...or do i have to be in depression....trying to take things as they come...."being me" is very difficult...without actually knowing who i am....sometimes i wonder if my thoughts are going to eat me (with salt and pepper)..
.
.
.
the ripples are widening

2007-06-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

BHAGAWAT GITA 6.6 ~ :

bandhur atmatmanas tasya
yenatmaivatmana jitah
anatmanas tu satrutve
vartetatmaiva satru-vat

●═══════════◄►═══════════●
██╠o╣██╠o╣██╠o╣██╠o╣██╠o╣██
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{For him who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for one who has failed to do so, his very mind will be the greatest enemy.}

2007-06-13T04:47:00.001-07:00

You are remembered for the rules you break.
Douglas MacArthur

2007-06-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

It was not just another day...
all started at 11
first round - int - 25% confident - performance to my knowledge was not OK.
cleared
second round - w t - 50% confident - performance satisfactory.
cleared
third round - int -75% confident - satisfactory
cleared
Final round - int - 99.9% confident - performance good
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
cleared but not offered ......for some silly reasons....

the end @7
its not the failure that matters. the meter started at 25%. But the 99.9% that was hit for a six which i find very difficult to regain...thats the problem with "hoping"....iam pulling the almighty, all my mighty, friends, inspirers and everyone possible into the scene to pull me up...trying to find hope in each and every move...like sms'es from friends...under ordinary circumstances i wonder if i would have given this importance to those forwarded msgs....
black------------white
bright-----------dark
right------------wrong
optimism--------pessimism
yes------------no
.
.
.
.
as always, the choices are readily available....
to choose is an art
and blah.blah.blah.blah.

2007-05-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

Nothing really matters.....
iam getting older and older and older.....everyday
there are always the same two choices in front of me...choosing one is as usual difficult..
being single...sometimes with commitments.....many-a-times without...
eating the same menu everyday
dont care if they call me or not
dont care if my language is good or bad
dont care if i hurt them or not
dont care if iam getting appreciated or not
dont care if this post is incomplete
dont care if it rains or not
dont care if i need to save or not
dont care if i need to shave or not
dont care if someone watches me smoking or not
.
.
.
.
dont care if someone cares for me or not
:
:
life's calling........and i dont care
nothing really matters

2007-05-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Venue – Grandpa’s house

Date – 07-05-07

Time – 11.00pm to 2.00am

Four hours of non-stop bashing. All under the tag of “well-wishing”. After all that, only one thing is very clear. I have neither got a solution nor we came to a conclusion. He bashed me for that too. I am cursing me for taking a decision on talking to him. I know I have failed many a times earlier in trying to communicate my thoughts to him. I don’t know why I tried doing it yesterday. May be, he took advantage of my circumstances and went on in dropping piles of dirt on my face. Challenging my confidence. Testing my truthfulness. Testing everything inside me. At one stage I stopped arguing with him, because I felt like the argument was more inclined towards his side. That’s what he wanted. Is that a revenge?? I don’t know. Whatever I said went was hit for a six. Today, I feel like a duck-out batsman. Mind is again like “idiappam”. That’s overdoze, I feel like spitting. For one thing I am happy. I have been cautious enough in rejecting his proposal finally. I don’t want to become a puppet again in his hands. At this moment, I don’t know whether it was a fair decision or not, but I don’t want to do that mistake again. Nowadays, I have started hating well-wishers. It might take some time for me to recover. The ripples are increasing & widening in my mind, but don’t know what to write

2007-04-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

I tend to be very careful…this kind of feeling happens only with very few people…even the slightest move of the other person against me would hurt me like hell...trying to be careful is a defensive formula to adopt….not to peep…not to voluntarily interrupt…its liking admiring an animal without entering into its circle…May be putting a circle around me…not to cross boundaries…I wouldn’t say its pretending….but as I said earlier, with some relationships mind becomes fragile…breaking it or not is our choice….life’s full of choices, sometimes…

2007-04-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I live with music..I know...but my way of liking something is something different I believe...I don’t get attracted towards a song, the first time I hear...I wish I do it in that way...but unfortunately that’s not the way I have been programmed...for that fact I have disliked many songs after listening to it only once....I mean I have never bothered to take heed again….btw…the Robert miles effect is nothing but an experience in this form….long long ago, I became fond of the song “children” by Robert miles…got pulled towards the band, somehow got the album “organiks2005”…I expected something similar to that song which inspired me in the new album…mmm…disappointed…that’s it…kept the album aside…..yesterday after more than one year…while I was busy washing my clothes, sneaked in the CD into the player…few songs caught my mind….today played it again, without purposefully sitting and listening to them….two pieces inspired me …..listened it again, again and again….now @office…the music is still playing inside my mind…I wonder how I missed this song the first time I heard….no clue!!!

2007-04-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

Contentment : Happiness with one's situation in life

Satisfaction : The contentment one feels when one has fulfilled a desire, need, or expectation

Life's calling..........where am i now??

2007-04-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

parthaney en sarathy......

2007-04-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am trying to make it simple....let the colors, the people, the relationships, the thoughts, the purpose shall be simple....very simple...let these colors shall absorb me inside...let there be a simple & fulfilling life....I am trying not to leave any trace...

2007-04-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

COLORFUL!!!..............REALLY COLORFUL.....

slowly uncloaking me.....colors started peeping inside ...took some time to decorate this space...after all this is mine...change never changes....am looking forward...

not confused@#$#$#5^$#%$#

2007-03-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

After an enthusiastic half-a-day.....not half-a-day....ive been filled with enthu for almost more than two days......now its sudden silence....this silence is sucking all the tentacles & wings i've spread on these days....its not sadness...but a perfect silence...which is so strong...it can absorb the toughest blow.....

it gives pleasure to the senses, the feeling of being needed by someone or something...rather than me needing something or someone.....thats another clarity on the life's necessity...!!!

confused@$#%&$%#@#..........

Kudos to me....this is my 100th post......

2007-03-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

The Best Moments in Life

1. Falling in love. 
2. Laughing till your stomach hurts. 
3. Enjoying a ride down the country side. 
4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio.  
5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside. 
6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with
  a warm, fuzzy towel.
7. Passing your final exams with good grades.  
8. Being a part of an interesting conversation. 
9. Finding some money in some old pants. 
10. Laughing at yourself.  
11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends. 
12. Laughing without a reason.  
13. "Accidentally" hearing someone say something good about you.  
14. Watching the sunset. 
15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important
   person in your life
16. Receiving or giving your first kiss.  
17. Feeling this buzz in your body when seeing
   this "special" someone. 
18. Having a great time with your friends. 
19. Seeing the one you love happy.  
20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and
   smelling his/her perfume. 
21. Visiting an old friend of yours and
   remembering great memories. 
22. Hearing someone telling you "I LOVE YOU"
&
23. Someone thanking you for "being there"

2007-03-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

why not???

http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14404924

2007-02-28T01:58:00.000-08:00

While hopping, landed here (nice blog!!) and found this, and the final product is here...:-)

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.
However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.
You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.
You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson.
But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader.
You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind.

You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it.
Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision.
You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions.

While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone.
A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times.
You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Really interesting..huh!!....well iam exploring....

2007-02-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

I go where my feet takes me everyday
Tommorrow
I wake up to see iam still alive and the journey continues
Everynight
Iam happy that not all the days are alike
and i dont look forward for a tommorrow
But tommorrow never dies
If i dont see a tommorrow, today
I wonder what will happen to my blog...!!!!

2007-02-26T06:49:00.000-08:00

Abundance of energy

Penetrating deep

Very deep

Circles

Small

Then large

Then very large

Hollowness getting widened

Movement sometimes direct

Sometimes crank

Colors confusing

Energy in search of ecstasy

Pure ecstasy

Energy partly dissolved

End black and bright

Pulling, more than pushing

A very long thread

Both the ends invisible……may be infinity

2007-02-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

Iam trying to recollect.....

.
.
.
.

The last time when I laughed aloud

The last time I participated in a family function

The last time I went out with my family

The last time I sat next to my father and listened to him

The last time I appreciated my mom for the good food she serves

The last time when I had stopped thinking

The last time I rested with my head on my sister’s lap

The last time I cried with my heart inside-out

The last time I helped a fellow being

The last time I appreciated a person

The last time I expected something from someone

The last time I got scared and stayed in fear

The last time I wished someone good luck

The last time I worked too very hard with enthusiasm

The last time I passed a moment without dreaming

The last time I felt proud of me

The last time I cried upon seeing a movie or reading a book

The last time I did not feel lonely

The last time I felt I am really useful to the world

The last time I thanked GOD

The last time I loved my life

2007-02-24T05:48:00.000-08:00

Most of the times iam getting twisted in a tangled mass of thoughts. one reason could be due to the fact that iam not able to arrive at a solution. There are always two options i believe, both in opposite directions..the art lies in choosing the one which really suits...kind of "yes" or "no", "true" or "false"..times, during my school days, i would love to answer these questions..but in real life, its different...Choosing one, might lead to good or evil...or it might lead me nowhere….for eg., read in a magazine “one shouldn’t feel that “this is my place”…it leads to stagnation and no further movement possible..one has to be like a flowing river where the water is very clean due to the running it does”…this is one way…I felt the thought is really nice….the other side of it is “why the hell iam trying this very hard to make me settle into my life. Am I not stagnating myself in one place”…..so there are choices….i can wander or I can stay back, build my hut, and get settled….its really hard to choose one….

2007-02-14T02:42:00.000-08:00

iam restless inside
waiting for a letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
trying very hard to suppress the expectations....

2007-02-07T06:12:00.000-08:00

Hell and the Heaven......The wanderer....

Saturday....
Really wanted to go to chennai....
My boss was in a mad rush...preparing everything for his Overseas trip...
@5.30pm
Me: Shall we discuss on the tasks to be completed by me in ur absence?
Boss: sure..we will do it now...
(after 15 mins)
Me: do u think i need to be here tommorrow (sunday)
Boss: Yes...i think i might need ur help...
me : Grrrrr......
@7.30pm
Boss: pls be reachable tomm
Me: I think i have completed all the tasks for today and tomm...do u really think u would need my help tomm...
Boss: I think so...but r u planning to go out somewhere??
Me: sss....iam planning to go to chennai.
boss: thats going to create probs..y dont u do it next week...well iam going to leave on monday in the mrning...i might have something tomm to update you...
me: but i will be back on monday, before u leave..
boss: no thats not gonna work....
me: ok... (bullshit...wat the hell is he thinking.. he is a crap or what...iam sure he is not gonna call me tomm.....@@#$##%^^&^*^)

@8.30pm
while on my way to the Mess for dinner, i was grumbling like anything to my friend on the phone..i do not wish to stay back this week..that too on a saturday...being alone is like living in the HELLLLL....
I shud find a place wherein i can go and come back in few hrs if at all i get a call frm my boss...where to go??????

@9.30pm
realised that there is one place, where i may not be expelled out for any reason....

@ 10.15pm
prepared a rough travel plan, getting some details on the bus routes from one of my colleague...
@11.00pm
Here iam....with a travel bag....on my way to Aliyar, a very nice hill station near Pollachi...planning to visit "Arivu thirukoil"....an ashram of Vedhathri Maharishi....
@11.30pm
got into a bus to Coimbatore...
@2.30pm
Coimbatore..Gandhipuram bus stand.....I like kovai for two reasons...
1. I have spent one year of my childhood here
2. Hometown of one of my best friend
Things noticed
1. How many bus stands totally??? for pollachi, i need to go to uakkadam.for trichy, i need to go to singanallur....!!!!!
2. Gandhipuram bus stand is very small with very few platforms
3. the bell system on the local buses
4. After almost 18yrs iam touching kovai
Took a bus to pollachi

@4.30am
reached pollachi. semi silent bus stand. waited till 5.15 for a bus to Aliyar.. as this is my first visit to the place, wondered huv much time it would take for me to reach the place

@5.15am
In the bus to aliyar. dark outside.Cool morning breeze. Road surrounded on both the sides by trees

@6.00am
Reached aliyar. when i stepped out of the bus, it was dark. Hills . trees. a tea shop with a kerosene lamp. few locals standing on the sides of the road. A forest ranger on his wasy into the forest for counting animals...took a cup of tea and headed towards Arivu thirukoil....half a km walk on the hills...Fog...It started becoming bright..........Here it is .........THE HEAVEN....

@6.30am
After enquiries at the security, i was allowed inside. Iam unable to find any word to describe the beauty of the place. Its on the backside of the Aliyar dam. a small canal on the side with hill water (could smell the freshness and the sand it took alongwith) flowing inside the dam. on the foothills fully surrounded by beautiful trees.....Heaven

@6.45am
Joined the Q to get a cup of tea
alone
No words inside me
I have nothing to communicate to anyone out there
took tea
took bath

@7.45am
Sat on the steps
alone
peace
trees and hills in front of me
was starring at them
did nothing

@8.45am
went to the meditation hall
meditated

@10.00am
came out
visited maharishi's Jeeva samadhi
wandered outside

@10.30am
sat on the grass
Peace
Peace
Peace
Peace inside

@11.00am

Iam out
Back to earth

2007-01-31T04:09:00.000-08:00

The Lord.....

2007-01-31T04:01:00.000-08:00

Kind of an adventurous jrney....to meet a friend of mine whom iam seeing after many years...he had come frm Madura and me from Chennai....planned suddenly..spoke to him at 5 pm and i was there in Guindy at 5.30pm....reached kaveripakkam at 7.30pm (a small town on the chennai-bangalore highway...apprx 100kms from chennai)....got a bus at 8.45 to banavaram, which is again a very very small town, 15kms from Kaveripakkam...reached there at 9.30...my frnd was waiting there for me...the adventure started from there....this tiny village (koothambakkam) is apprx 3 kms from banavaram....and there is no public transport available at that time...hence we had no other way except to walk in the DARK...on the lonely road surrounded by trees and farms...no lights except moon....remembering all those "good old college days"....we reached the village at 10.15pm....

2007-01-31T03:50:00.000-08:00

2007-01-31T03:27:00.000-08:00

2007-01-31T03:06:00.000-08:00

My roots...
On the banks of cauvery....

2007-01-24T06:08:00.000-08:00

Its 11 in the night, as i did not have any other work to do, i was buried deep inside the process of thinking. Eyes opened, looking at the ceiling in the dark, my thoughts were roaming around the kind of relaxation my mind requires. I was thinking of learning to play a music instrument since music if one of my passion. All of a sudden a streak of thought came to me..which then lead to a series of thinking and formed a thread....when i was too young @ 8 yrs...we were staying in a very old (very very old indeed) house. on those years we were paying Rs. 90 as rent. our portion in the house had a veranda, a room and a kitchen. The room had a small window through which one can see the street. the room was packed with materials, stacked on the floor as the house did not have much shelves. one has to do a bit of struggle to peep through the window. We had a "thinnai" outside the house on both the sides of the entrance path. The right hand side being longer and had few wooden pillars. Me and my sister used to play around the pillars. On those days i used to be too mischievous. I still remember one day while jumping from one side to the other side, i fel down and hit the stone on my eyebrows. stitching was done and i still have a glimpse of the scar....we had a big open space on the back side of the house, where there was a well. The open space was filled with bushes and these served us a place to hide while we play "police & thief" game....when it rained , the house used to leak in such a way that we were not able to sleep inside..hence we used stay in the houses of our neighbours...i wonder huv i was not able to recollect these earlier.....Btw.....jaya maami....she was the owner of the house...she was in her fifties...unmarried...the only relation she had (as far as I know) was her brother who used to visit her once in few months and stayed there for few days....she had a violin whcih she plays everyday in the evening....she sat in the veranda and i could see no audiences for her show...she used to play it for more than half-an-hour...for her the violin was so precious...we kids used to hide it on some days & she becomes very arrogant on those days...she never shouted at us in front, but used to grumble...somedays she used to play it on odd hours...the sound just filled the whole house...i remember getting annoyed during that time...to interrupt her, we used to make noises...but she never stopped playing..we used to make fun of her...all we got was a angry look and nothing else...........I was with my parents and surrounded by my sisters. the circle was complete for me on those days. when iam alone now, i could really figure out the reason behind her emotional attachment towards the instrument,,,it was her family...when she was happy she had no one except the violin...when she cried, she had no shoulder to lean except the violin...i could remember my mom telling me one day that, many a times she had seen tears on the eyes of maami while she was playing the instrument......the touch the music gave her....after movig out of the house, i heard that her relatives have cheated her and sold the house for a fortune (the house was the only bread winner for her)....her brother was no more after that...she moved to a very small house in the nearby street...was able to fetch food from the perumal temple......i do not know if she is still alive....but my heart goes for her...i am thinking that i should go and meet....should request her to forgive me for all the mischievous things i did....try to make arrangements for her food...if she is interested, would like to learn playing the instrument.....when i have the wound on my skin, I get to understand the pain of others......

2007-01-18T06:39:00.000-08:00

Place : Grandpa's house
Occasion : Grandpa's funeral

The touch:

1. My grandma @ 86. very poor eyesight. she was lying on the cot and was not speaking anything. i sat on the cot near her. she wanted me to help her sit on the cot next to me. took my hands in hers and was pressing it gently.....her head on my shoulders....no one around....we didnt speak anything......no words....just the touch......

2. an old village man@65. this person is known to me only for few months...the relationship i share with him is undefined....we share something which is very personal....which doesnot have any boundaries...we didnot expect anything from each other..we both have problems in life in our own way....we have never shared anything....whenever we meet, he takes my hand and keeps it inside his hands and presses it tightly for atleast few minutes....i do not know the reason...but.....

3. my cousin@16. we do not talk much...both are silent spectators in our own way...occassionally he stands next to me to see if he had grown to my height...no relationship formalities(questions like "huv r u?") between us...once in a while he hugs me (only me....bcaz i have never seen him doing it to anyone) for a minute...this time it happened...the hug was tight and it lasted for more than two minutes....no words between us....just a silent, tight hug.....the touch.......

thank u my dear good god.......

2007-01-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

This was my identity......iam pasting it here so that it shall drift away.....

"For me, tasting life in an unrestrained fashion produces a sense of fulfillment. Having a sense of being needed and appreciated is an always present pressure. I have a strong inner need to gain a spiritual sense about the world around me. have a deep inner need for love and harmony in life....and have a never ending feeling to explore more in me and around me....i live a life drawing a very thin line between pleasure and depression. Trying hard to strike a balance"

2007-01-12T07:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Lady,

U know what???

Iam getting inspired by you...

the way you work......really inspires me...

most of the times i get damn irritated by the way you talk....the aggressiveness....there are times when i hate u like anything in the world.....u give me nightmares....u r a terror.....u r a devil

But today my mind thought something different after moving on from the feeling of annoyance, discomfort....

I thought something positive.....

If u were not that much aggressive u will not be proactive...

since u r proactive....u see results and not getting contended with the efforts...
inturn i see results...which i believe i would have come to a negative conclusion long time back.....u r challenging.....u r young, but still u r sound.....u challenge the limits....u play the games very clearly....

iam inspired.....and my mind says i should try my level best to cope with ur speed.....

Keep up ur good work my dear lady.........iam getting inspired...

2007-01-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

Frustration & Helplessness could eat a man alive...............read it somewhere........

Today morning someone told me that iam making her loose her temper!!!!!....me???!!!.....what do i say????

2007-01-07T03:46:00.000-08:00

Further thinking revealed only one thing.....that my life's necessities are very simple.....all i need now is......

A shoulder to cry
A lap to lie
a pair of hands to touch my head
a few words to soothe my mind...

I dont remember the last time I got all this or atleast any one of this...life is taking me somewhere...but iam sure my thinking and the things happening really are in two different directions...if people say iam in a deep depressed state of mind...i dont have any issues...after enough search thats the word they have found to relate my state of mind...but i feel its different.....its not depression....its different for which i couldnt find a word and i do not wish to...i dont want to worry about linking my way of thinking to a particular word... i dont want to classify it under any heading...let it be as it is...undefined.....a blankness i feel very often...by the end of the day when u have no where to go....u feel u r deserted....well i feel deserted....its on a broader perspective....if i get all this i wanted..right away....i dont think iam going to finish with this...i keep expecting....but this is the need of the hour...a soul which can really touch me inside...very deep....very very deep......a soul...a soul....a touch..a simple touch.....which in a fraction of a second can do wonders...which would say to my inner mind "shut-up" in a commanding way.....where is that soul......where is that lap....i want to lie....i want to cry....i want to stop thinking over and over, again and again....i want to give my mind the peace it deserves.....enough thinking it has done....Oh my god....my good god all small things.....i dont want to lie to you that "kurai ondrum illay, marai murthy kanna"....iam missing this terribly my dear god...iam tired of this load iam carrying....my commitments have become more mechanical....why do i carry this even if my "necessities" are not met...i have a "kurai"....iam missing...show me that.....even if that soul is a beggar or diseased or whatever...i dont mind....i dont care abt this damn world.....all i need is a soul and a lap and a pair of hands.....a touch......if thats what iam going get before death.....i dont mind dying now..........................................................

2007-01-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

This work sucks.... it made me act for the whole day...i always do not want to pretend....but today....i hate this work.....will there be any work in this world which really will give me a satisfaction and peace of mind....i do not know....i do not know till how long i need to keep swimming....all my thinking towards this leads me to a dead end....all my efforts to neutralise my mind is failing...as a final option iam typing it here......again my expectations......

2007-01-02T02:29:00.000-08:00

Identity.....

When will I escape from this completely?

Am I emptying myself easily or filling myself excessively

Zero is still an identity ....

2007-01-02T01:34:00.000-08:00

"We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, "Oh, nothing!" Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our own hurts—not to hurt others. "

2006-12-31T23:09:00.000-08:00

2006-12-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

"Naan irantha piragu enaku anjali kootangal nadatha vendaam. Yenaendral, yennal vara mudiyaathu"

"Irupatharkendruthan
varugirom.
illamal
pogirom"

"yenaku
yaarumillai
naan
kooda!"

"unnaiyandri
unakku veru yarundu"

"Aarparikkum kadal
athan adithalam
mounam: maga mounam!"

thanks: vikatan..

2006-12-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

"The more you know the less you need to say".

Now-a-days, iam speaking very less.......hehehehe>>>>>

:-)

2006-12-19T06:34:00.001-08:00

2006-12-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

2006-12-17T22:59:00.000-08:00

2006-12-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

2006-12-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

Iam looking outside the glass window of my office...could see a pleasant evening.not too cold. pregnant clouds waiting to deliver rain babies...kids out from school..three guys standing in front of a new building construction and were seriously discussing something....work inside the factory is in full-swing...evrybody busy with their work..even i have more thn enough tasks to complete before i leave, but my mind is full of peace, how can i describe the state. its more relaxed. lazy.its in a kind of a secured comfort..doesnt want to think further on anything..kind of a careless state...may be partly because of the broken (incomplete) conversation we had in the afternoon..would wish to go out. search for a lonely tea shop.wills and a tea.just stare outside, may be by mind is so tired of thinking too much inside. it often needs a break. it shows sometimes.i can really could feel a kind of a change going within. otherwise i wonder how i managed to travel the whole night in the fully crowded un-reserved compartment of the train. i slept very less not because i was not sleepy, but because the compartment was so very crowded, i couldnt stretch my legs once. i became a silent spectator...there were many things to observe, hear, listen and to make a note in my mind. thats partly because there were few people who had similar problem like mine, no space. the discussions going on between the two men who were sitting in front of me reminded "vayalum Vazhvum". both were farmers in executive apparel. they discussed almost everything...about the kind of fertilizer to be used for rice, how they manage labour problem for cutting their sugarcane farm, how they dealt with various sugar mills in and around their place, how profitable is sunflower farming,.....the man who sat in from of me often looked at me whenever he made a great statement or a joke kind of a thing. the in-expressive face of mine didnot seem to hurt him....At trichy, people boarded the train in plenty, it so happened that a group of men and children took their spaces near my seat. they were returning from sabarimala and are on their way home. a father and his small kid (whom he called "kutti sami") took their position near my legs. he ate, he made his kid eat after struggle, took out snacks out of his bag, shared it with everyone, joined the farmers discussion, commented on the sugarcane trucks waiting outside the sugar mill, made his kid sleep on his lap, after more than one hour he was able to vacate some space near my legs at the cost of my comfort and slept. I wonder huv they were able to do this. sleep in the available space. sleep peacefully in discomfort. i keep wondering as my journey continued...

2006-11-27T02:07:00.000-08:00

Vayal & Sunset....

2006-11-27T02:01:00.000-08:00

The Road.....

2006-11-27T01:44:00.000-08:00

And my sunday went on like this......ON THE BANKS OF CAUVERY....

2006-11-24T23:55:00.000-08:00

Started something new from monday. Til date its going fine. Was not that very confident while joining the class. But after 6 days, i feel more comfortable and confident. I have always felt the need to search inside me. to xplore inside. i was doing it in an unprofessional manner. sometimes i was trapped inside the pool of thoughts. this course guides me in doing what i want in a much focussed manner. My only problem now is waking up early in the morning. thespians in my early morning dreams are missing me a lot......guys me too missing u people.......

2006-11-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

Parasite :- An animal or plant that lives in or on a host (another animal or plant); it obtains nourishment from the host without benefiting or killing the host

2006-11-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Y am I into this family politics??????

Things happening for the past two days doesnt seem to be in any person's control. Sunday, got insulted. Yesterday, fought with uncle. I dont know if iam making things worse, or its how it is happening itself. I do not want to narrate all those happened, as it doesnt serve any purpose and i dont feel i should keep a record. i use this place to just to pour my passage of thoughts. they are like different threads. all i can do here is to analyse it, and tie knots so that it can become a string. after all these unwanted incidents and shit that was thrown on me and my family, i tell it to me that these people do not know the importance of good people. they teach the whole world about the way the world has to run. they are mere preachers and do not practice. work is calling...will catch up later

2006-10-30T05:10:00.000-08:00

24th October - Wednesday

its been 10 months since I met her last

Waited for her for more than 2 hours.

How I felt when I saw her at the railway station, iam unable to describe. Words do not have that much power.

From that moment, till she left we were just looking inside each others eyes. They communicate much more than words. she came home. everyone was there. but still we managed to find some time to spend together.

rain ruined. she could not able to spend much time.

Those gifts were really nice.

Only with very few people I feel the closeness. From whom I expect something. The freedom of pouring inside out. We talked. but we do not know what exactly we spoke. words were there just to show people that we are talking.

When she said its time to leave, a ball went deep into my throat. it hurts. after dropping her at the station, while i was on my way back home, i was not able to define my emotions. why did she come into my life? why did she leave? what is there in between us? what are we going to do? what is the relationship we share? why is this hurting?what exactly is the plan GOD have for us? really confusing when i think about this in deep....i can define almost all the relationships and could draw that line.....with her i do not know where the line starts and where it ends...i wonder if there is any line....do I promise her anything?..no i do not...do i want to? sometimes yes...it makes sense if i had this feeling some 10 years back...i dont know why iam experiencing this now...

2006-10-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

For a change, I am thinking optimistic today

I wonder had I ever appreciated my mind. I don’t want to compare, but I feel its time, my beautiful mind deserves a pat on its shoulders.

As I said earlier, it’s beautiful. For me the definition of beauty is different. I join the group of people who see beauty even in the ugliest things. Word web assists me in providing three definitions for beauty. But I prefer to relate my way of thinking with this definition, “The qualities that give pleasure to the senses”. Where are the senses located? I believe they are related to brain. But then, where exactly the mind is located. Since this is confusing, let me exclude the senses from the mind and analyze my mind as an object which pleasures my senses. Back to work.

My mind is beautiful because, it by default think only good things. It’s a sort of disciplined slave. Sometimes it’s mischievous, but most of the times under control. When I say under control, it means it stays calm. Sometimes its coward and sometimes brave, depending upon the situation. I am into soup, when it plays a wrong role for a situation. Whether it thinks good for me or not, it thinks only good things for the others. It’s like a perfectly trained horse. Changing its direction is very difficult. The absorbency can be rated as average. It hates flattery but melts for appreciation (that’s why iam playing this low). It’s a good team member than a team leader. It doesn’t command the senses. In that way my senses have pleasure in working with my mind.

Last, but not the least, thanks my mind….u r beautiful and u can be proud about that.

2006-10-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

"It's sad you know. That i don't really have many friends. Ever since from young. There are times when i just feel all alone. Either that or feel like i'm stuck in a group of superficial friends. People who don't care a shit about how you really are. They just think being in your company is 'cool' Stucks!"

2006-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Let my wound shall heal by itself....

Thanks
N

2006-09-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

After a long time, iam trapped inside this kind of a feeling......
I hate this...but still nothing i can do now to change it....may be while finishing this scribbling, i might take a little bit of control of my emotions...
i dont know if any other soul share the same....
iam now
1. expecting a call from her
2. or i want to call her
3. i want to blast her
4. i want to feel sorry for balsting her
5. I want to encourage her
5. i dont want her to be happy and i want her to cry now
6. i want her to be happy and want her to enjoy the incident (reason for her happiness)
7. but that situation is hurting me like anything
8. ok i want to be broadminded...i want it to happen
9. Well my ego is preventing me to accept it
10. neither iam the reason nor iam involved for her happiness
11. i want her to be fully dependable over me
12. i want her to live independently
13. i want her reach ultimate hieghts
14. but i want to be the only person behind that
15. i want her to share her fine moments with me
16. i want to be the first person to know everything
17. i want to take decisions for her..(because she makes decisions for me)
18.i realise, only when she is in trouble, she comes to me
19. i know she will not leave me
20. i believe she will leave me for a better life
21. i want to be alone
22. i want to shout aloud to tell people to LEAVE ME ALONE
22. i want her to leave me and lead a better life
23. i dont feel like working after that
24. unfortunately i have big list of tasks to complete before this evening
25. iam locked....but today i dont want to work
26. i dont want to speak to her
27. my heart is striving to speak to her
28. iam expecting her to call me..but since she is happy today, she is not calling (not even a miscal)
29. thats pain
30. i need pain but i want to come out of it
31. i want to hurt her
32. i am trying very hard to suppress my feelings
33. i want to go far away from her
34. but she is the final ray of hope for me in this life
35. all because of expectations.....
36. my ego
37. i wonder why she had come into my life
38. many come and leave....but iam finding it very difficult to erase the traces

dont know what to write after this...........................i remember the song "zindagi ke zafar"...want to go like that...free from all thoughts and realtionships.....

2006-09-09T03:53:00.000-07:00

Found the meaning for Silence. It goes like this.....

"Silence is not a state of mind but a state of inner soul of one's being"

2006-09-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

inside me, the silence is overwhelmingly loud

2006-09-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Iam always thinking and trying to change the thing which has to be taken in the way it comes..
.
.
Iam least bothered about the thing which by thinking can be changed.....
.
.
Thats like "Pre-determined Vs cannot be determined"

2006-09-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

journeys
at home, i yearn to travel more
.
.
.
at journey, i yearn to reach home
.
.
in the end i save memories
.
.
my mind dips into nostalgia..
its a drunkard feeling...

2006-08-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

Dreams

muzhu iravu payanam thodangayiyathu..perunthil selgiraen....neram iravu 9 irukum..perunthil arai kurai kootam...oru pen sigappu pudavayil...kaluthil chinna sangili (kandippaga thangam illay)...tholil palaya thuni pai...ullay weight illatha tiffen box irukavendum..parpatharku padipai pathiyil vitta pen pol therigirathu.. ....kalainthu pona thalai...thalaiyilum thuniyilum paruthi thugalgal....sornthu pona mugam...kangalil kalaipu...bus il DVD player il oru padam....kaal valipathu theriyamal antha padathai parthukondirukiral....veetil TV illay polum....bus ninrathu....veliyil mazhai thoorikondirukirathu....irutu...venda verupaga kangalay TVil irunthu vilaki bus padi iranginal...veedu yevvalavu thooramo theriyavillai...veettil TV irukuma theriyavillai...veetil yaar yaar irupargal...pakathu veetil nanbigal irupargala...veetil enna saapadu irukum..sappitapin nanbigaludan arattai irukuma...appa nallavara illay adipavara...innum ethanai kaalam uzhaikavendum..ippothu uzhaipathu petravargulaka....innum sila varudam kalithu....kaluthil oru manjal kayiru irukum...purusan saatharanamanvan...ivalai velaiku sella solluvan...kulanthaigal pirakum..appothum velaiku selval..sambalamo, velaiyo marapovathu illai..kannuku keelay surukangal varum...mugathil kalaipu athigamagum...athisayam nadanthal mattumay vazhkai marum...the same life will continue....

MY DREAMS INSPIRE ME TO LIVE....but what inspires this girl to live????

2006-08-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel
few souls come into our life wihtout being wanted by us (or without our wish)
few souls which we really wanted to have, will never turn on our side
when iam depressed, i have been left alone
my god makes me to heal my wound myself
he knws where iam and when i will cross my limit of thinking
he never provides any shoulder to cry
he never shows a shoulder to incline
he never shows me a person with whom i can share
he always wanted me to heal my wound myself...
huv bad he is
.
.
.
.
.
once iam through with it
i could see a soul which i never wanted to come near me
that soul in trouble
that soul in need of a shoulder
that soul is suffering, that soul is in need of help
he wants me to become the shoulder to that soul

he wants me to heal the wounds of that infected soul
he knows, i will never get infected by touvhing that diseased soul
my god, i know, the more thinking i do, the more i go out of the crowd....
but why r u making me think this much
yesterday i got a fear that iam going to become mad
but why
just show me the light my dear god
its high time you show me the light
do it for me
show me what iam searching for
somtimes i feel very much tired of searching
iam deserted
sometimes i feel lost....like what happened yesterday
please show me what iam searching for
wihtout knowing, i feel its difficult to find
god...r u listening....
when is this process of tempering is going to end
god.....my good god of all little things...
its paining nowadays
i cant bear this pain
i feel like crying
.
.
i know u love me a lot....keep loving me like this and in turn i will love the whole world

2006-08-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

A piece of plastic with light, molded circuit and a small transmitter
runs with 3.7v of electricity
costs less than 4k
this small piece of plastic had dismayed me for the past four days...
it all happened in few seconds
every supressed, bottledup, held back thoughts exploded and ruined my peace of mind
i didnt and my mind doesnt want to settle down
i could feel all sorts of depression
felt alone in a lonely planet
suddenly came to the end of my life
lost hope
i have never in my life respected it this much earlier
i became mad
searching for service centres
searching for hope
searching for connectivity
every service engineer i spoke to looked like god to me

attimes we need this much struggle to realise something which we already knew....thats the way my teacher teaches me lessons....he is a good shepard....but am i a good sheep?

2006-08-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

i can find a reason to live in this world..........from here....

http://www.worldvision.in/child/sponsorship/child_rotator.php

2006-08-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

In relationships, privacy is very important. You will be provided with the duplicate key (she will say that u r the person close to her heart and very trustworthy and will never peep inside), u might have the permission, but u shouldn’t peep inside. That may be called as diplomacy. I feel that’s more to do with ur own peace of mind. When u peep, u will have two options. One u can be sure that nothing is wrong. Number two, u might see something which u do not want to see. If nothing is wrong, no issues. If something is wrong u will have two options. One keep ur mouth shut and think whatever u want. Two – u can always ask her. If u opt for one, u might end up with losing ur peace of mind. That’s like pebbles on ur shoes. Neither u can forgive nor u can forget.(u will end up saying to urself that “enda key use panninom). If ur option is two, u will have two more options. One – there will be a smart explanation provided. Two – there will be a quarrel initiated. In both the cases, there is a high possibility of removing the key from u (permission will still be there, but without the key what the hell r u going to do with the permission). So atlast, you will be in a pool of misunderstanding like – 1. u will not be able to accept the explanation. 2. u wud have been hurt deeply bcause the key has been taken away from you. (who knows the key may go to another trustworthy person). NOW, u have two options. 1. return the key immediately. 2. keep the key with you (but iam sure u will be tempted to use it) and face the consequences…..as I said earlier….in relationships, privacy is very important…

2006-08-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the poor fate......iam still alive.......

Sila vishayamay......nammidamey
sila visheshamay........nammidamey
vishayamey.............visheshamey.....
sila suvaigalaey..........
enna visheshamey..................vazhvilayy......
.
.
.
.
Cadbury's dairy milk...............vazhvin suvai....

2006-08-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

Iam feeling a bit feverish today..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................

2006-08-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

Who will cry when i die???? .............I cried when he died....his death made a great impact in me...it brought in many changes...my approach towards life changed...that's not the age to die...but he had sowed in something in me...i was not that very mad before i met him...life is very short and very much uncertain...

2006-08-07T03:18:00.001-07:00

Started worrying abt the exams..everyday i think i should study at night...exam is very nearby...but when i sit for studying...not able to sit for morethn 15 mins..i wonder why?...i dream high, but something is lacking...i beleive that i can do well..but lacking patience and concentration..donno huv iam gonna build this up...i feel iam cheating myself by not obeying to my inner mind's words...mmm.....any solutions????