Nothing really matters.....
iam getting older and older and older.....everyday
there are always the same two choices in front of me...choosing one is as usual difficult..
being single...sometimes with commitments.....many-a-times without...
eating the same menu everyday
dont care if they call me or not
dont care if my language is good or bad
dont care if i hurt them or not
dont care if iam getting appreciated or not
dont care if this post is incomplete
dont care if it rains or not
dont care if i need to save or not
dont care if i need to shave or not
dont care if someone watches me smoking or not
.
.
.
.
dont care if someone cares for me or not
:
:
life's calling........and i dont care
nothing really matters

Venue – Grandpa’s house

Date – 07-05-07

Time – 11.00pm to 2.00am

Four hours of non-stop bashing. All under the tag of “well-wishing”. After all that, only one thing is very clear. I have neither got a solution nor we came to a conclusion. He bashed me for that too. I am cursing me for taking a decision on talking to him. I know I have failed many a times earlier in trying to communicate my thoughts to him. I don’t know why I tried doing it yesterday. May be, he took advantage of my circumstances and went on in dropping piles of dirt on my face. Challenging my confidence. Testing my truthfulness. Testing everything inside me. At one stage I stopped arguing with him, because I felt like the argument was more inclined towards his side. That’s what he wanted. Is that a revenge?? I don’t know. Whatever I said went was hit for a six. Today, I feel like a duck-out batsman. Mind is again like “idiappam”. That’s overdoze, I feel like spitting. For one thing I am happy. I have been cautious enough in rejecting his proposal finally. I don’t want to become a puppet again in his hands. At this moment, I don’t know whether it was a fair decision or not, but I don’t want to do that mistake again. Nowadays, I have started hating well-wishers. It might take some time for me to recover. The ripples are increasing & widening in my mind, but don’t know what to write

I tend to be very careful…this kind of feeling happens only with very few people…even the slightest move of the other person against me would hurt me like hell...trying to be careful is a defensive formula to adopt….not to peep…not to voluntarily interrupt…its liking admiring an animal without entering into its circle…May be putting a circle around me…not to cross boundaries…I wouldn’t say its pretending….but as I said earlier, with some relationships mind becomes fragile…breaking it or not is our choice….life’s full of choices, sometimes…

I live with music..I know...but my way of liking something is something different I believe...I don’t get attracted towards a song, the first time I hear...I wish I do it in that way...but unfortunately that’s not the way I have been programmed...for that fact I have disliked many songs after listening to it only once....I mean I have never bothered to take heed again….btw…the Robert miles effect is nothing but an experience in this form….long long ago, I became fond of the song “children” by Robert miles…got pulled towards the band, somehow got the album “organiks2005”…I expected something similar to that song which inspired me in the new album…mmm…disappointed…that’s it…kept the album aside…..yesterday after more than one year…while I was busy washing my clothes, sneaked in the CD into the player…few songs caught my mind….today played it again, without purposefully sitting and listening to them….two pieces inspired me …..listened it again, again and again….now @office…the music is still playing inside my mind…I wonder how I missed this song the first time I heard….no clue!!!

Contentment : Happiness with one's situation in life

Satisfaction : The contentment one feels when one has fulfilled a desire, need, or expectation

Life's calling..........where am i now??

parthaney en sarathy......

I am trying to make it simple....let the colors, the people, the relationships, the thoughts, the purpose shall be simple....very simple...let these colors shall absorb me inside...let there be a simple & fulfilling life....I am trying not to leave any trace...

COLORFUL!!!..............REALLY COLORFUL.....

slowly uncloaking me.....colors started peeping inside ...took some time to decorate this space...after all this is mine...change never changes....am looking forward...

not confused@#$#$#5^$#%$#

After an enthusiastic half-a-day.....not half-a-day....ive been filled with enthu for almost more than two days......now its sudden silence....this silence is sucking all the tentacles & wings i've spread on these days....its not sadness...but a perfect silence...which is so strong...it can absorb the toughest blow.....

it gives pleasure to the senses, the feeling of being needed by someone or something...rather than me needing something or someone.....thats another clarity on the life's necessity...!!!

confused@$#%&$%#@#..........

Kudos to me....this is my 100th post......

The Best Moments in Life

1. Falling in love. 
2. Laughing till your stomach hurts. 
3. Enjoying a ride down the country side. 
4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio.  
5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside. 
6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with
  a warm, fuzzy towel.
7. Passing your final exams with good grades.  
8. Being a part of an interesting conversation. 
9. Finding some money in some old pants. 
10. Laughing at yourself.  
11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends. 
12. Laughing without a reason.  
13. "Accidentally" hearing someone say something good about you.  
14. Watching the sunset. 
15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important
   person in your life
16. Receiving or giving your first kiss.  
17. Feeling this buzz in your body when seeing
   this "special" someone. 
18. Having a great time with your friends. 
19. Seeing the one you love happy.  
20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and
   smelling his/her perfume. 
21. Visiting an old friend of yours and
   remembering great memories. 
22. Hearing someone telling you "I LOVE YOU"
&
23. Someone thanking you for "being there"

why not???

http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14404924

While hopping, landed here (nice blog!!) and found this, and the final product is here...:-)

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson. But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader. You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind. You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it. Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision. You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions. While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone. A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times. You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Really interesting..huh!!....well iam exploring....

I go where my feet takes me everyday
Tommorrow
I wake up to see iam still alive and the journey continues
Everynight
Iam happy that not all the days are alike
and i dont look forward for a tommorrow
But tommorrow never dies
If i dont see a tommorrow, today
I wonder what will happen to my blog...!!!!

Abundance of energy

Penetrating deep

Very deep

Circles

Small

Then large

Then very large

Hollowness getting widened

Movement sometimes direct

Sometimes crank

Colors confusing

Energy in search of ecstasy

Pure ecstasy

Energy partly dissolved

End black and bright

Pulling, more than pushing

A very long thread

Both the ends invisible……may be infinity

Iam trying to recollect.....

.
.
.
.

.

The last time when I laughed aloud

The last time I participated in a family function

The last time I went out with my family

The last time I sat next to my father and listened to him

The last time I appreciated my mom for the good food she serves

The last time when I had stopped thinking

The last time I rested with my head on my sister’s lap

The last time I cried with my heart inside-out

The last time I helped a fellow being

The last time I appreciated a person

The last time I expected something from someone

The last time I got scared and stayed in fear

The last time I wished someone good luck

The last time I worked too very hard with enthusiasm

The last time I passed a moment without dreaming

The last time I felt proud of me

The last time I cried upon seeing a movie or reading a book

The last time I did not feel lonely

The last time I felt I am really useful to the world

The last time I thanked GOD

The last time I loved my life

Most of the times iam getting twisted in a tangled mass of thoughts. one reason could be due to the fact that iam not able to arrive at a solution. There are always two options i believe, both in opposite directions..the art lies in choosing the one which really suits...kind of "yes" or "no", "true" or "false"..times, during my school days, i would love to answer these questions..but in real life, its different...Choosing one, might lead to good or evil...or it might lead me nowhere….for eg., read in a magazine “one shouldn’t feel that “this is my place”…it leads to stagnation and no further movement possible..one has to be like a flowing river where the water is very clean due to the running it does”…this is one way…I felt the thought is really nice….the other side of it is “why the hell iam trying this very hard to make me settle into my life. Am I not stagnating myself in one place”…..so there are choices….i can wander or I can stay back, build my hut, and get settled….its really hard to choose one….

iam restless inside
waiting for a letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
trying very hard to suppress the expectations....

Hell and the Heaven......The wanderer....

Saturday....
Really wanted to go to chennai....
My boss was in a mad rush...preparing everything for his Overseas trip...
@5.30pm
Me: Shall we discuss on the tasks to be completed by me in ur absence?
Boss: sure..we will do it now...
(after 15 mins)
Me: do u think i need to be here tommorrow (sunday)
Boss: Yes...i think i might need ur help...
me : Grrrrr......
@7.30pm
Boss: pls be reachable tomm
Me: I think i have completed all the tasks for today and tomm...do u really think u would need my help tomm...
Boss: I think so...but r u planning to go out somewhere??
Me: sss....iam planning to go to chennai.
boss: thats going to create probs..y dont u do it next week...well iam going to leave on monday in the mrning...i might have something tomm to update you...
me: but i will be back on monday, before u leave..
boss: no thats not gonna work....
me: ok... (bullshit...wat the hell is he thinking.. he is a crap or what...iam sure he is not gonna call me tomm.....@@#$##%^^&^*^)

@8.30pm
while on my way to the Mess for dinner, i was grumbling like anything to my friend on the phone..i do not wish to stay back this week..that too on a saturday...being alone is like living in the HELLLLL....
I shud find a place wherein i can go and come back in few hrs if at all i get a call frm my boss...where to go??????

@9.30pm
realised that there is one place, where i may not be expelled out for any reason....

@ 10.15pm
prepared a rough travel plan, getting some details on the bus routes from one of my colleague...
@11.00pm
Here iam....with a travel bag....on my way to Aliyar, a very nice hill station near Pollachi...planning to visit "Arivu thirukoil"....an ashram of Vedhathri Maharishi....
@11.30pm
got into a bus to Coimbatore...
@2.30pm
Coimbatore..Gandhipuram bus stand.....I like kovai for two reasons...
1. I have spent one year of my childhood here
2. Hometown of one of my best friend
Things noticed
1. How many bus stands totally??? for pollachi, i need to go to uakkadam.for trichy, i need to go to singanallur....!!!!!
2. Gandhipuram bus stand is very small with very few platforms
3. the bell system on the local buses
4. After almost 18yrs iam touching kovai
Took a bus to pollachi

@4.30am
reached pollachi. semi silent bus stand. waited till 5.15 for a bus to Aliyar.. as this is my first visit to the place, wondered huv much time it would take for me to reach the place

@5.15am
In the bus to aliyar. dark outside.Cool morning breeze. Road surrounded on both the sides by trees

@6.00am
Reached aliyar. when i stepped out of the bus, it was dark. Hills . trees. a tea shop with a kerosene lamp. few locals standing on the sides of the road. A forest ranger on his wasy into the forest for counting animals...took a cup of tea and headed towards Arivu thirukoil....half a km walk on the hills...Fog...It started becoming bright..........Here it is .........THE HEAVEN....

@6.30am
After enquiries at the security, i was allowed inside. Iam unable to find any word to describe the beauty of the place. Its on the backside of the Aliyar dam. a small canal on the side with hill water (could smell the freshness and the sand it took alongwith) flowing inside the dam. on the foothills fully surrounded by beautiful trees.....Heaven

@6.45am
Joined the Q to get a cup of tea
alone
No words inside me
I have nothing to communicate to anyone out there
took tea
took bath

@7.45am
Sat on the steps
alone
peace
trees and hills in front of me
was starring at them
did nothing

@8.45am
went to the meditation hall
meditated

@10.00am
came out
visited maharishi's Jeeva samadhi
wandered outside

@10.30am
sat on the grass
Peace
Peace
Peace
Peace inside

@11.00am

Iam out
Back to earth

The Lord.....

Kind of an adventurous jrney....to meet a friend of mine whom iam seeing after many years...he had come frm Madura and me from Chennai....planned suddenly..spoke to him at 5 pm and i was there in Guindy at 5.30pm....reached kaveripakkam at 7.30pm (a small town on the chennai-bangalore highway...apprx 100kms from chennai)....got a bus at 8.45 to banavaram, which is again a very very small town, 15kms from Kaveripakkam...reached there at 9.30...my frnd was waiting there for me...the adventure started from there....this tiny village (koothambakkam) is apprx 3 kms from banavaram....and there is no public transport available at that time...hence we had no other way except to walk in the DARK...on the lonely road surrounded by trees and farms...no lights except moon....remembering all those "good old college days"....we reached the village at 10.15pm....