After a long time, iam trapped inside this kind of a feeling......
I hate this...but still nothing i can do now to change it....may be while finishing this scribbling, i might take a little bit of control of my emotions...
i dont know if any other soul share the same....
iam now
1. expecting a call from her
2. or i want to call her
3. i want to blast her
4. i want to feel sorry for balsting her
5. I want to encourage her
5. i dont want her to be happy and i want her to cry now
6. i want her to be happy and want her to enjoy the incident (reason for her happiness)
7. but that situation is hurting me like anything
8. ok i want to be broadminded...i want it to happen
9. Well my ego is preventing me to accept it
10. neither iam the reason nor iam involved for her happiness
11. i want her to be fully dependable over me
12. i want her to live independently
13. i want her reach ultimate hieghts
14. but i want to be the only person behind that
15. i want her to share her fine moments with me
16. i want to be the first person to know everything
17. i want to take decisions for her..(because she makes decisions for me)
18.i realise, only when she is in trouble, she comes to me
19. i know she will not leave me
20. i believe she will leave me for a better life
21. i want to be alone
22. i want to shout aloud to tell people to LEAVE ME ALONE
22. i want her to leave me and lead a better life
23. i dont feel like working after that
24. unfortunately i have big list of tasks to complete before this evening
25. iam locked....but today i dont want to work
26. i dont want to speak to her
27. my heart is striving to speak to her
28. iam expecting her to call me..but since she is happy today, she is not calling (not even a miscal)
29. thats pain
30. i need pain but i want to come out of it
31. i want to hurt her
32. i am trying very hard to suppress my feelings
33. i want to go far away from her
34. but she is the final ray of hope for me in this life
35. all because of expectations.....
36. my ego
37. i wonder why she had come into my life
38. many come and leave....but iam finding it very difficult to erase the traces

dont know what to write after this...........................i remember the song "zindagi ke zafar"...want to go like that...free from all thoughts and realtionships.....